The Joke Thread *Note: Not for the easily offended or persons under the age of 18 years of age...you have been warned ;)*

I thought I would re-ignite the old joke thread we used to have on the IOTJ forums. Post all of your jokes below!

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.


Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. one of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'oral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.'

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.


The husband said, 'I'm not sure! Maybe she choked...'

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advantage, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong". She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if that fucking ice cream van hadn't come along"

A woman's just had a baby. The doctor says I've got some good news and some bad news.
"Whats the bad news?" the woman asks.
"Your baby is ginger" says the doc
"Whats the good news?"
The doctor replies,
"Its dead."

Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed. "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom? And who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied. "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die, I'm too young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St. Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. But you may choose."

Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return as a hen," Harry replied. And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But man, now "he" felt like the rear end was gonna blow.

Along came a rooster. "Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm," said the rooster. "How does it feel?"

"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation! Have you never laid an egg before?"

"No, how do I do that?" Harry asked.

"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop', an egg was on the ground. "Wow," Harry said. "That felt really good!"

So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.

The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:

"Harry, for Gods sake wake up, you're shitting all over the bed!"

On the evening of the Royal wedding, Camilla was becoming somewhat
uncomfortable in her regal attire.

Unfortunately, the shoes she had worn that day were far too small and,
by the time the festivities were over, her feet were in agony.

When the Royal couple withdrew to their bridal suite, the only thing she
could think of was getting her ill-fitting shoes off, so Charles
proceeded to assist her.

The rest of the Royal Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and
they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the
occasional muffled scream.


Eventually they heard Charles say, "God, that was tight."

"There," whispered the Queen. "I told you Camilla was still a virgin."

Then, to their surprise, they heard Charles say, "Right - now for the
other one."

This was followed by even more grunting and straining and at last
Charles exclaimed, "My God! That one was even tighter!"

"That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor!"

Why is a smear test called a smear test?

Because no woman would go if it was called a cunt scrape!

A kid came home from school and asked his dad, "Dad, I heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What is a vagina, and what does it look like?"
"Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose."

"Wow, what does it look like after sex?"
"Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?"

Three men had a very late night drinking Guiness.

They left in the early morning hours and each went to their home. The next day, they all met for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.

The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."

The second guy said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped it around the first tree I saw. And I don't even have insurance!"

The third guy proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my wife, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"

The room was silent for a moment.

Then, the first guy spoke out again, "Listen, guys, I don't think you understand...

Chunks is my dog."

There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"

The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."

The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.

The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"

The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."

The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.

Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"

The man looks up and says, "Apprently my wife does."

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how handsome John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Johns' sexual orientation and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mark and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Mark came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Mark, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Mark. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mum"

This guy is sitting on his own in a bar having a drink. A woman sees him sitting there and likes the look of him so she goes over to chat to him.

"Are you alone" she says.
"Yeah, I am" he replies. "My wife left me. She says I'm too into kinky stuff".
"Really?" says the woman. "Because my husband left me because he said I was too kinky as well".

So they start chatting and are getting on well. When the night ends she invites him back for a nightcap. They're sitting there, having a drink and start kissing, when the woman says that she's going upstairs to slip into something a bit more comfortable.

She returns a few minutes later, wearing a rubber dress, a mask and a whip. But just as she starts coming back down the stairs she hears the front door slam and the guy running off down the street.

She chases him shouting "wait, wait, I thought you said you were into kinky stuff."

"I am" says the guy. "I've just fucked your dog and shat in your handbag".

A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
He asks the first nun, ''Sister Karen, have you ever had any contact with a man's thingy?''

The nun giggles and slyly replies, ''Well once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.''

St. Peter says, ''OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate.''

St. Peter asks the next nun the same question, ''Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a man's thingy?''

The nun is a little reluctant but replies ''Well once I fondled and stroked one.''

St. Peter says ''OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate.''

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns, one nun is pushing her way to the front of the line.

When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says ''Sister, Sister what seems to be the rush?!

''The nun replies, ''If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"

NOT AGAIN!!!!! :O

Love it! Keep em coming big boy

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't
have a lot of money between them, they could only
raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out
with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any
money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two
pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much
trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a
plan, Cheers!'

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick
the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees
and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them
out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and
more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I
can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are
killin'me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the
sausage in the third pub.

The Reverend John Flapps spots a female member of his congregation staggering drunkenly along the street.

He tries to assist her but they stumble and he falls on top of her.

A passing policeman comes up and says "Oi mate, you can't do that in the street".

The rev replies, "You don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps".

To which the cop replies "Well, if you're in that far, you may as well finish".

A happy couple are off on their holidays and arrive at the airport along with their lucky white rabbit and skunk.

They approach customs and fear they would have to leave their beloved pets behind.

The man has a plan. "I'll wrap our white rabbit around my waist, it will look like a furry bum-bag."

And what about the skunk?" asks the woman.

"Put it down your pants!" he says as they get closer and closer.

She isn't convinced it will work and says "what about the smell?"

The man answers "well if it dies, it dies!"

What did the male Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography
..?
Oor Wullie.

A priest checks into a London hotel, at the reception desk he says"when I get to my room I hope the porn channel will be disabled", the clerk replied "it's a normal porn channel you sick bastard"

Do you like Wayne Rooney's new haircut?
Apparently it happened as the result of a misunderstanding when Playboy offered Colleen a 100 grand to shave her c***

What does an old age pensioners vagina and a pork pie have in common?

You have to chew through the crust and lick out the jelly before you get to the meat.

new cooking advice http://www.lulu.com/content/4956212

this is just wrong. i will be speaking with my gf about publishing such material.

Hmmm.... That Semen stuff is quite disturbing... And a few weeks ago i heard someone refering to Top Chef Gordon Ramsey as: That fucking Wanker...

I'll leave it there for others to follow up on....